Spatula man

I’ve found a photo of “spatula man” or “fish slicer man” on google maps. I was telling you all about him last week. This is the guy whose wife married him thinking that she’d be Ok with his wooden spatula hand, but she kept getting splinters and realised that it really wasn’t Ok. She’d get him varnish for his birthday as a hint, but he wouldn’t understand. “Why have you got me varnish?” he’d say, “We don’t need to varnish anything?”

She was in tears when she spoke to me (in my agony uncle capacity) over google’s webcam application. Also, he gets words wrong and that’s bugging her. Like, when he’s talking about work, he’ll say “Yeah, I’m a real hard grifter”. When she points out his mistake, he’ll deny it and insist that he said “grafter” all along. In frustration, she recorded him talking and played back his mistakes to him. He told her, quite seriously, that the recorder was broken.

Whilst asleep she moved his spatula hand into a tin of wood varnish. He woke up saying that he’d had dreams about swimming and his wife found that he’d wet the bed with creosote. The weird thing was that his spatula hand was still unvarnished. She still can’t figure out what happened.