It's my new job. I broke the automated barcode generator and now every time anyone wants a new barcode they go through me. I get about 100,000 emails from AngelarkCorp a day. They get all the best barcodes. I'm very proud of the work I do. One day I hope to see a news article:
PersephoneCorp cure cancer with screening programme. The wonder drug was found in tube "MORGANONBARGELD02"
I'd be happy then and could retire. I text barcodes to ContanCorp because they don't get through that many a day and it's easier for the operators because they don't have computers in the tube warehouses, not even laptops. Laptops are outlawed by the leader of ContanCorp because a laptop once fell on his toe and it broke into 5 pieces (his toe).
Thursday, 26 June 2008
What waspy fox?
Are these fragments of your consciousness going to add up to anything? It sort of feels like you're feeding me pieces of a code that will at some point make me assassinate someone.
Cats tending an orchard
A tiny orchard of bonsai cherry trees tended to by cats dressed in pinafores that walk around on their hind legs.
An oily man called Meachus
"Help my hands are so oily I can not pick up food or put on a tie.
I can not turn a tap on or pick up a glass.
I can not wear gloves because they fill up with oil and fall off."
I can not turn a tap on or pick up a glass.
I can not wear gloves because they fill up with oil and fall off."
Andrew Morgan's ear wax polishing service
We polish your ear wax while you wait.
"EAR WAX SHINE WHILE U WAIT"
"Wax while you wait." Wait for what?! For the guy to stop shining your ears?
"EAR WAX SHINE WHILE U WAIT"
"Wax while you wait." Wait for what?! For the guy to stop shining your ears?
Avoiding client social events
Advice given to Adam Ferret for getting out of a pub social experience with clients:
Tell them a long, complicated, winding story with a hint of desperation on your face, like you're really lonely and want someone to listen to you. After 10 minutes or so they will have glazed over and you can leave.
If you are stuck for something, I will lend you this story. You must return it within a week whether you use it or not. Ideally, you would whisper "Copyright 2008 Morganon Reichberg" just after you've told it, but I'll be happy if you just think that instead.
Tell them that you married a girl called Ferret and that she's now called Ferret Ferret. Tell them that before you got married you changed your middle and first names to Ferret. So, the registrar/priest/whatever at the wedding said,
"You may now kiss the bride, Ferret Ferret, Ferret Ferret Ferret."
After the vows, a dog came crashing through the window, looked at you expectantly, and said,
"Ferret?"
Then you stared angrily at the dog and yelled,
"I'm Giles Wolf, damnit!"
and you shook your fist at the ceiling. After doing that, miniature wedding cakes fell from small holes in the ceiling and everyone cheered!
The wedding march started as you walked back up the aisle with your new wife. Occasionally, you caught someone's eye, clicked your fingers and winked at them, like the Fonze.
Your brother-in-law was wearing a pretty hat and one of the small cakes fell into the brim of his bonnet. He took out the cake and started eating it, all the time repeating,
"I like cakes!".
He had a look of glee on his face as he caught the flowers that your bride, Ferret Ferret, threw. He then stared at his feet.
A month later, that staring at the feet worried you so you asked him what was going on. It turned out that he has an allergy to rocks, but that he needs an injection of gypsum every day to stop a "heart cascade condition" from worsening.
At that point you realised that the life-long disease you caught in a trip to Kota Kinabalu has turned into a blessing. You can help your new brother-in-law because every Tuesday you secrete hypoallergenic gypsum from a tiny wound on your knee.
So every Tuesday just after work, your brother-in-law harvests your medicated knee juice (a week's supply) and uses it to help him live life to its full. He has never felt better and you have realised that in some mysterious way we are all connected.
Tell them a long, complicated, winding story with a hint of desperation on your face, like you're really lonely and want someone to listen to you. After 10 minutes or so they will have glazed over and you can leave.
If you are stuck for something, I will lend you this story. You must return it within a week whether you use it or not. Ideally, you would whisper "Copyright 2008 Morganon Reichberg" just after you've told it, but I'll be happy if you just think that instead.
Tell them that you married a girl called Ferret and that she's now called Ferret Ferret. Tell them that before you got married you changed your middle and first names to Ferret. So, the registrar/priest/whatever at the wedding said,
"You may now kiss the bride, Ferret Ferret, Ferret Ferret Ferret."
After the vows, a dog came crashing through the window, looked at you expectantly, and said,
"Ferret?"
Then you stared angrily at the dog and yelled,
"I'm Giles Wolf, damnit!"
and you shook your fist at the ceiling. After doing that, miniature wedding cakes fell from small holes in the ceiling and everyone cheered!
The wedding march started as you walked back up the aisle with your new wife. Occasionally, you caught someone's eye, clicked your fingers and winked at them, like the Fonze.
Your brother-in-law was wearing a pretty hat and one of the small cakes fell into the brim of his bonnet. He took out the cake and started eating it, all the time repeating,
"I like cakes!".
He had a look of glee on his face as he caught the flowers that your bride, Ferret Ferret, threw. He then stared at his feet.
A month later, that staring at the feet worried you so you asked him what was going on. It turned out that he has an allergy to rocks, but that he needs an injection of gypsum every day to stop a "heart cascade condition" from worsening.
At that point you realised that the life-long disease you caught in a trip to Kota Kinabalu has turned into a blessing. You can help your new brother-in-law because every Tuesday you secrete hypoallergenic gypsum from a tiny wound on your knee.
So every Tuesday just after work, your brother-in-law harvests your medicated knee juice (a week's supply) and uses it to help him live life to its full. He has never felt better and you have realised that in some mysterious way we are all connected.
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Excuses, Excuses
Employees at Titanium Towers rejoyced today after Dwayne Dung smashed the all time world record for being late for work. Preparations for the record attempt started last night with an email warning he would be late as he had an appointment at the STD clinic. Throughout the day employees wondered how long he would manage to stay away from work.
The previous record was thought to be around 11:45 and as this time approached employees started to wonder if the 'golden noon' would be broken. As it turned out though there was nothing close about the situation. Dwayne smashed the record finally entering the building at 14:17.
Today provided ideal conditions for the record attempt as Englebert was out of the office.
Mr Dung can expect to make a handsome amount from his efforts in sponsorship. Interested parties are thought to be Facebook, Wikipedia and a raft of video sharing sites.
The previous record was thought to be around 11:45 and as this time approached employees started to wonder if the 'golden noon' would be broken. As it turned out though there was nothing close about the situation. Dwayne smashed the record finally entering the building at 14:17.
Today provided ideal conditions for the record attempt as Englebert was out of the office.
Mr Dung can expect to make a handsome amount from his efforts in sponsorship. Interested parties are thought to be Facebook, Wikipedia and a raft of video sharing sites.
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