Frivolous Friday

I blog here before you now, at the commencement of an historic day at Titanium Towers. Directors, managers, business analysts and team leaders are boozing and shmoozing a select group of "users" in the sordid bars and restaurants of London town. Back in the office the plebs, the coughers, the immigrants, the guru and the knob are left to wreak their own brand of merry havoc. Once the source control police (AKA the guru and the coughers) have been bound and gagged, expect components to be checked in out of dependency order, spurious branches and a bevvy of pirate kittens adorning the GUIs. More later...

Recent Bugs/CRs

Component	Summary
Ordering System	Deliverables to be despatched to next-door neighbour if recipient is ovulating
Fulfilment Module	Cherry picking compound into rancid fruitbowl spawns nectarine-housefly hybrid (constantly aroused)
Inventory Subsystem	Tube-rack 'TR0005' contents shown as 100% semen

Memoirs of a former Titaniumite

Having recently been invited by one Adam Ferret to join Titanium Software's secret splinter group blog, I decided that today shall be the day that I make my first contribution to the Titanium Software secret blog of mystery and wonder.

Raymond Ely and I spoke recently and I was amazed at how fast memories of life at Titanium Software came back, a world of anticipation, concealed groups, secret email chains and lunches, social embarrassment, extended bouts of influenza, unrequited tea rounds, darts, pool and of course cookies.

Anticipation rears its ugly head in many ways at Titanium Towers but none more so than that of collisions between one Julian Sadman and various inanimate objects around the office. It appears that Mr. Sadman - along with no immune system (widely thought to be due to the lack of animal in his diet) - has no muscle memory. In my time at Titanium, Raymond and I would sit and wait in joyful hope for Sadman to bump into plants, desks, chairs and the array of boxes that surrounded Stephan's desk, often while sipping water and walking slowly back to his desk not realising that he had spawned a flurry of netsends between various Titanium employees.

It appears that Englebert is in the habit of employing uncoordinated employees, who are unable to control their feet and have low levels of spacial-awareness. Employees like Choyklet Dejestiw (from the former eastern block country of Polarmania) and Adolf (rumoured to have purchased his wife for 4 carrots, an old Atari computer and a deep welled vial of unknown compound/substance/matter) spring to mind. Adolf also has trouble with the word yes - it appears that it comes out as an extended "NO" usually preceeded by an extended "errrr" - causing ears within a 10-metre radius to weep.

I often wonder, have there been any more ill-coordinated additions to Titanium Software?

Stay tuned for more "Memoirs of a former Titaniumite" which are really just digitally regurgitated random thoughts from a previous life!

Titanium Awards

The first award, "Most costume changes in a single performance" goes to.....

[drumroll]

Dwayne Dung

[applause]

for his Lycra, turnups then jeans routine

Recently in the Office

It's 9:30 on a warm, sunny day

[Enter stage right Marcus Finland]

Marcus wanders over to desk

[Enter stage right Stephan Bernard Yotis]

Marcus: (To Stephan) Blimey, have the clocks gone back? You're in early aren't you?

A hush decends on Titanium Towers. Shocked developers sit in stunned silence fearing a reprisal. Stephan makes no audible response, but you can tell the evil mastermind has already started to craft a cunning plan.

To be continued...

Green Tea

I've just made a cup of Dwayne's Japanese green tea. About to have my first taste now. I'm a bit nervous, but here goes...

Bleuch! It's bad! Well, actually it's ok. The second sip is better. It's drinkable. I could get to like it I suppose. Mmmmm. The third sip is even better. I like it. Oh my god, I love it. This is the best drink I've ever tasted! I must have more!

I feel....different. More powerful, somehow. I feel strong. Strong enough to climb and run and jump. Ha ha! I am strong!

And my senses are heightened. I see and feel everything. Time seems to run more slowly. I can anticipate things before they happen. This is amazing! I can make things happen with just the power of my mind. I am becoming omniscient. Omnipotent.

Hmmmm. I also have a strange desire to wear lycra...

Cookie Situation Resolved

Employees at Titanium Software were relieved today after the long cookie drought ended. Despite there being no Friday meeting, employees were deluged with no less than 3 packets of cookies. Shortbread was an added (but ultimately unwanted) bonus.

Wary of recent calls for strike action Englebert provided not the standard Tesco cookies, but instead opted for the luxury M&S variety which had been made specially to order and which still contained slightly melted chocolate chips.

It is uncertain whether artificial flavourings in the cookies were to blame for an outbreak of strange cartoon drawing behaviour that occurred towards the end of the day.

New products

This is a new design for the Flick Spin Ranger. Sales have been falling recently and a redesign is what Canny has told me will revive them by 500%.










This is Ray. Ray wears a wig and a dress with "erg" written on it. He has 5 little wheels instead of feet.









This is Ray's signature. Canny has told me that kids will only buy a toy nowadays if the toy has a signature associated with it. I don't know why.







This is Frederick the small elephant with bad hair.












This is Alfred Noble. He tap dances.