Englebert: We are having trouble receiving emails from the guys at Banoffee-Adverts. Can you check why we are failing to receive them?
Stephan: Failing to receive them in what way?
Englbert: In that we are failing to receive them.
Stephan: Error at line 56. (A)bort (R)etry (F)ail?
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
Monday, 28 April 2008
Smallest satsuma segment... ever
Today I found the smallest satsuma segment that I have ever seen. It is possible that the satsuma contained a smaller segment but that it was so small my eye couldn't resolve it. Damn it, if it were that small, I doubt any sane person would call it a 'satsuma segment'. Maybe a tasty bit of satsuma dust or something.Anyway, to give you an idea of scale, the photo shows the segment next to my left-hand small finger. Unlike Adolf Coredump, I don't have giant fingers the size of sausages so it genuinely is a very small satsuma segment.
I measured the segment and checked in the Guinness Book of World Records and it really is the smallest segment that any human has ever found (and reported). I can't be bothered registering my find with the Guinness World Records authority because they are always pestering me about something and I don't have the patience to deal with them at the moment.
Friday, 25 April 2008
Bone Density
I recently received a telegram from former employee Ciaran Morningtown via the social networking site forceBlock. Exiled in Australia after leaving his job in a cloud of controversy he reliably informs me he is now working for a company that makes websites for small vibrating devices.
"You would love it out here, they give you beer at work on fridays at your desk. I am designing a new 'Boys Gone Wild' site."
A refugee from Ireland, Ciaran started work at Titanium Towers two years ago.
When asked about his former workmates, he had the following to say about Julian Sadman:
"His bone density is similar to that of hydrogen. Christ man, eat a steak!""
If you would like to know more about Ciaran then stay tuned for further updates.
"You would love it out here, they give you beer at work on fridays at your desk. I am designing a new 'Boys Gone Wild' site."
A refugee from Ireland, Ciaran started work at Titanium Towers two years ago.
When asked about his former workmates, he had the following to say about Julian Sadman:
"His bone density is similar to that of hydrogen. Christ man, eat a steak!""
If you would like to know more about Ciaran then stay tuned for further updates.
Overheard on the Email... Vine
From: Dwayne [mailto:dwayne@titanium.co.uk]
Sent: 25 April 2008 11:55
To: 'Neville McClocktower'
Subject: I fear Morganon is going barmy...
The other day he pinned Clementine peel to his monitor stand to make a mini windmill. Today he has created a figurine out of a coke can, Clementine peel and the mesh bag it came in.
Morganon just might be barmier than Androyd. Possibly. Actually not at all.
Dwayne
Sent: 25 April 2008 11:55
To: 'Neville McClocktower'
Subject: I fear Morganon is going barmy...
The other day he pinned Clementine peel to his monitor stand to make a mini windmill. Today he has created a figurine out of a coke can, Clementine peel and the mesh bag it came in.
Morganon just might be barmier than Androyd. Possibly. Actually not at all.
Dwayne
Venture Capitalists
I need to book one of the meeting rooms ASAP to discuss prices for the toy I invented earlier this week with a guy that's just turned up.
He's called Canny and he's hinted that we're talking about a six-figure deal. Man, I'm going to be so rich.
Flick Spin Ranger
We'll see who’s laughing when I make millions on my recently patented invention. The photo shows it in action; move your finger like that and it rotates. Flick it down with your finger and it will spin on its own for a few seconds. It's called "Flick Spin Ranger".
It's great fun and I've already got a buyer set up.
If you want, I can let you have a pre-release version of it for £10. I can set it up at your desk if you need me to. Installation isn't that hard but as I haven't written a user manual yet you might mash it up and jam it into your face or something and I wouldn't want that on my conscience.
Watch this space, guys, because you're looking at the future. Right here on your monitors is the great new toy that even the queen will be playing with this summer. Even the queen.
It's great fun and I've already got a buyer set up.
If you want, I can let you have a pre-release version of it for £10. I can set it up at your desk if you need me to. Installation isn't that hard but as I haven't written a user manual yet you might mash it up and jam it into your face or something and I wouldn't want that on my conscience.
Watch this space, guys, because you're looking at the future. Right here on your monitors is the great new toy that even the queen will be playing with this summer. Even the queen.
Example Test Spec Results Matrix
I found those Action-ExpectedResult combos to be quite poetic. And how can that 3rd step have possibly passed.
Cat
This morning I was walking to the station along a footpath/cycle lane as I do every day (except weekends and bank holidays). I got to a corner where the path turns 90° and it’s impossible to see what is around the corner until you get there.
Meanwhile, a cat was approaching the corner but coming from the other direction. Cats, as I’m sure you know, pad silently so there was no way I could have known it was there. But I’m sure I was making some noise as I strolled along so I’m sure the cat could have heard me if it had been paying attention, but perhaps it was preoccupied with thoughts of mice, laser pointers and the political situation in Zimbabwe.
We both turned the corner at the same moment. A black shape leaped up in front of me. I jumped. The cat jumped away on to a nearby wall and glared at me, as if to say “Watch where you’re going mate.” I glared back as if to reply “I’m dreadfully sorry, I didn’t know you were there.” The cat continued to glare as if to say “That’s quite alright. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I apologise. Good day to you, sir.”
We exchanged glaring pleasantries for a few moments before I continued on my way to the station.
Meanwhile, a cat was approaching the corner but coming from the other direction. Cats, as I’m sure you know, pad silently so there was no way I could have known it was there. But I’m sure I was making some noise as I strolled along so I’m sure the cat could have heard me if it had been paying attention, but perhaps it was preoccupied with thoughts of mice, laser pointers and the political situation in Zimbabwe.
We both turned the corner at the same moment. A black shape leaped up in front of me. I jumped. The cat jumped away on to a nearby wall and glared at me, as if to say “Watch where you’re going mate.” I glared back as if to reply “I’m dreadfully sorry, I didn’t know you were there.” The cat continued to glare as if to say “That’s quite alright. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I apologise. Good day to you, sir.”
We exchanged glaring pleasantries for a few moments before I continued on my way to the station.
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
Printer Jappery
In order to brighten up long days of boring coding, I sometimes flick the switch on the front of the printer so that paper comes out of the front instead of the top. This results in people rushing over to the printer as their work pleasingly cascades down the side of the cupboard and onto the floor. Even better is the slightly confused look on people's faces as they try to determine if it's worth asking who modified the printer settings.
Annoyances (part 1)
Chap in the office, Harlem Trotterglobe, pronounces queries "curies" and volume "wolume". Confuses the hell out of me.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Sars and Milk
Following on from Friday's Cookie Incident, it seems further trouble has befallen the employees at Titanium Towers with a suspected outbreak of the deadly Sars virus. Eye witnesses tell of continuous and loud coughing which prompted one un-named source to claim, "It's like a plague hospital in here." It is not known where the virus came from, but experts suspect that it was brought over from Thailand with goods purchased by one of the employees. Reports that by Tuesday afternoon the virus had mutated and started to attack PCs (with Matthew Englberry's equipment the main target) proved unfounded and officals are urging the public not to panic.
In a seperate incident, problems with food continued as milk stocks were almost exhausted. It was thought that milk shortages were a thing of the past after Ruby Postelwaith's apointment as milk monitor, but in her absence it seems the old problems have returned.
Shares in Titanium Software were down 5% on the news.
In a seperate incident, problems with food continued as milk stocks were almost exhausted. It was thought that milk shortages were a thing of the past after Ruby Postelwaith's apointment as milk monitor, but in her absence it seems the old problems have returned.
Shares in Titanium Software were down 5% on the news.
Monday, 21 April 2008
Go-Live in Berlin
Titanium Software took one more step towards world domination when their flagship product "Montage" went live in Berlin! By the end of week one the reports were excellent - some users are even saying this could be the final solution.
Friday, 18 April 2008
The Cookie Situation
Concerns are growing this morning over the escalating cookie situation at Titanium Software. Reports coming out of the software company indicate that no cookies have been sighted so far this morning, and panic is beginning to set in.
Cookies are a regular feature of Friday mornings at Titanium Towers, often accompanying the regular Friday meeting. The situation has been exacerbated by the recent disappearance of Englebert, who usually purchases the cookies.
Raymond Ely, the one of the world's foremost authorities on cookie mathematics, eloquently summed up the situation this morning with his equation "Work - Englebert - Friday meeting = no cookies"
Thursday, 17 April 2008
Popcorn
When Dwayne's out to lunch we should all get some popcorn, large drinks and those bags of Minstrels you get at the cinema that are so big they come with a closing mechanism. Then we should take our chairs round to his desk and wait for the film to begin.
Sunday, 13 April 2008
Friday, 11 April 2008
In the Office Today
<Dwayne goes off to toilet>
<Dwayne's phone starts ringing. Sounds a bit like the beginning of Star Wars - trumpets and stuff, then some slightly nazi sounding chanting>
Everyone looks towards the corner.
Stephan: What's that, is that Dwayne?
Morganon: It's Dwayne's phone
Stephan: Well it could have been Dwayne.
Englebert: But you'll have noticed Dwayne doesn't have a trumpet.
Stephan: Well you don't know what he is up to; he could be in the corner browsing Trumpet websites.
<Dwayne's phone starts ringing. Sounds a bit like the beginning of Star Wars - trumpets and stuff, then some slightly nazi sounding chanting>
Everyone looks towards the corner.
Stephan: What's that, is that Dwayne?
Morganon: It's Dwayne's phone
Stephan: Well it could have been Dwayne.
Englebert: But you'll have noticed Dwayne doesn't have a trumpet.
Stephan: Well you don't know what he is up to; he could be in the corner browsing Trumpet websites.
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
PC Augmentation
Whenever I'm the only person in the office, I take the opportunity to
augment my PC.
At lunchtime today I levered open Stephan Bernard Yotis's PC and took out his power supply. To date, I have 16 processors, 50.5Gb of RAM, 8 hard-drives, 7 network cards and 3 power supplies and my computer is super-fast!
Stephan's PSU wouldn't fit into my case but that's OK because I glued it to the side and it doesn't overheat or anything.
This afternoon, Stephan has been complaining that his PC isn't working, but I've explained that he hasn't got the right stuff in COM+ and so it's really his mistake, the idiot.
augment my PC.
At lunchtime today I levered open Stephan Bernard Yotis's PC and took out his power supply. To date, I have 16 processors, 50.5Gb of RAM, 8 hard-drives, 7 network cards and 3 power supplies and my computer is super-fast!
Stephan's PSU wouldn't fit into my case but that's OK because I glued it to the side and it doesn't overheat or anything.
This afternoon, Stephan has been complaining that his PC isn't working, but I've explained that he hasn't got the right stuff in COM+ and so it's really his mistake, the idiot.
Tuesday, 8 April 2008
Flaky Operating Systems
I had a strange dream last night...
...in which all breakfast cereals were also operating systems. In my dream I was wondering why more people didn't install Weetabix on their computers.
...in which all breakfast cereals were also operating systems. In my dream I was wondering why more people didn't install Weetabix on their computers.
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
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