Avoiding client social events

Advice given to Adam Ferret for getting out of a pub social experience with clients:

Tell them a long, complicated, winding story with a hint of desperation on your face, like you're really lonely and want someone to listen to you. After 10 minutes or so they will have glazed over and you can leave.

If you are stuck for something, I will lend you this story. You must return it within a week whether you use it or not. Ideally, you would whisper "Copyright 2008 Morganon Reichberg" just after you've told it, but I'll be happy if you just think that instead.

Tell them that you married a girl called Ferret and that she's now called Ferret Ferret. Tell them that before you got married you changed your middle and first names to Ferret. So, the registrar/priest/whatever at the wedding said,

"You may now kiss the bride, Ferret Ferret, Ferret Ferret Ferret."

After the vows, a dog came crashing through the window, looked at you expectantly, and said,

"Ferret?"

Then you stared angrily at the dog and yelled,

"I'm Giles Wolf, damnit!"

and you shook your fist at the ceiling. After doing that, miniature wedding cakes fell from small holes in the ceiling and everyone cheered!

The wedding march started as you walked back up the aisle with your new wife. Occasionally, you caught someone's eye, clicked your fingers and winked at them, like the Fonze.

Your brother-in-law was wearing a pretty hat and one of the small cakes fell into the brim of his bonnet. He took out the cake and started eating it, all the time repeating,

"I like cakes!".

He had a look of glee on his face as he caught the flowers that your bride, Ferret Ferret, threw. He then stared at his feet.

A month later, that staring at the feet worried you so you asked him what was going on. It turned out that he has an allergy to rocks, but that he needs an injection of gypsum every day to stop a "heart cascade condition" from worsening.

At that point you realised that the life-long disease you caught in a trip to Kota Kinabalu has turned into a blessing. You can help your new brother-in-law because every Tuesday you secrete hypoallergenic gypsum from a tiny wound on your knee.

So every Tuesday just after work, your brother-in-law harvests your medicated knee juice (a week's supply) and uses it to help him live life to its full. He has never felt better and you have realised that in some mysterious way we are all connected.