Henri Le Croissant

Le Croissant, Henri

New responsibilities

It's my new job. I broke the automated barcode generator and now every time anyone wants a new barcode they go through me. I get about 100,000 emails from AngelarkCorp a day. They get all the best barcodes. I'm very proud of the work I do. One day I hope to see a news article:

PersephoneCorp cure cancer with screening programme. The wonder drug was found in tube "MORGANONBARGELD02"

I'd be happy then and could retire. I text barcodes to ContanCorp because they don't get through that many a day and it's easier for the operators because they don't have computers in the tube warehouses, not even laptops. Laptops are outlawed by the leader of ContanCorp because a laptop once fell on his toe and it broke into 5 pieces (his toe).

What waspy fox?

Are these fragments of your consciousness going to add up to anything? It sort of feels like you're feeding me pieces of a code that will at some point make me assassinate someone.

Cats tending an orchard

A tiny orchard of bonsai cherry trees tended to by cats dressed in pinafores that walk around on their hind legs.

An oily man called Meachus

"Help my hands are so oily I can not pick up food or put on a tie.
I can not turn a tap on or pick up a glass.
I can not wear gloves because they fill up with oil and fall off."

Andrew Morgan's ear wax polishing service

We polish your ear wax while you wait.

"EAR WAX SHINE WHILE U WAIT"

"Wax while you wait." Wait for what?! For the guy to stop shining your ears?

Avoiding client social events

Advice given to Adam Ferret for getting out of a pub social experience with clients:

Tell them a long, complicated, winding story with a hint of desperation on your face, like you're really lonely and want someone to listen to you. After 10 minutes or so they will have glazed over and you can leave.

If you are stuck for something, I will lend you this story. You must return it within a week whether you use it or not. Ideally, you would whisper "Copyright 2008 Morganon Reichberg" just after you've told it, but I'll be happy if you just think that instead.

Tell them that you married a girl called Ferret and that she's now called Ferret Ferret. Tell them that before you got married you changed your middle and first names to Ferret. So, the registrar/priest/whatever at the wedding said,

"You may now kiss the bride, Ferret Ferret, Ferret Ferret Ferret."

After the vows, a dog came crashing through the window, looked at you expectantly, and said,

"Ferret?"

Then you stared angrily at the dog and yelled,

"I'm Giles Wolf, damnit!"

and you shook your fist at the ceiling. After doing that, miniature wedding cakes fell from small holes in the ceiling and everyone cheered!

The wedding march started as you walked back up the aisle with your new wife. Occasionally, you caught someone's eye, clicked your fingers and winked at them, like the Fonze.

Your brother-in-law was wearing a pretty hat and one of the small cakes fell into the brim of his bonnet. He took out the cake and started eating it, all the time repeating,

"I like cakes!".

He had a look of glee on his face as he caught the flowers that your bride, Ferret Ferret, threw. He then stared at his feet.

A month later, that staring at the feet worried you so you asked him what was going on. It turned out that he has an allergy to rocks, but that he needs an injection of gypsum every day to stop a "heart cascade condition" from worsening.

At that point you realised that the life-long disease you caught in a trip to Kota Kinabalu has turned into a blessing. You can help your new brother-in-law because every Tuesday you secrete hypoallergenic gypsum from a tiny wound on your knee.

So every Tuesday just after work, your brother-in-law harvests your medicated knee juice (a week's supply) and uses it to help him live life to its full. He has never felt better and you have realised that in some mysterious way we are all connected.

Excuses, Excuses

Employees at Titanium Towers rejoyced today after Dwayne Dung smashed the all time world record for being late for work. Preparations for the record attempt started last night with an email warning he would be late as he had an appointment at the STD clinic. Throughout the day employees wondered how long he would manage to stay away from work.

The previous record was thought to be around 11:45 and as this time approached employees started to wonder if the 'golden noon' would be broken. As it turned out though there was nothing close about the situation. Dwayne smashed the record finally entering the building at 14:17.

Today provided ideal conditions for the record attempt as Englebert was out of the office.

Mr Dung can expect to make a handsome amount from his efforts in sponsorship. Interested parties are thought to be Facebook, Wikipedia and a raft of video sharing sites.

Frivolous Friday

I blog here before you now, at the commencement of an historic day at Titanium Towers. Directors, managers, business analysts and team leaders are boozing and shmoozing a select group of "users" in the sordid bars and restaurants of London town. Back in the office the plebs, the coughers, the immigrants, the guru and the knob are left to wreak their own brand of merry havoc. Once the source control police (AKA the guru and the coughers) have been bound and gagged, expect components to be checked in out of dependency order, spurious branches and a bevvy of pirate kittens adorning the GUIs. More later...

Recent Bugs/CRs

Component	Summary
Ordering System	Deliverables to be despatched to next-door neighbour if recipient is ovulating
Fulfilment Module	Cherry picking compound into rancid fruitbowl spawns nectarine-housefly hybrid (constantly aroused)
Inventory Subsystem	Tube-rack 'TR0005' contents shown as 100% semen

Memoirs of a former Titaniumite

Having recently been invited by one Adam Ferret to join Titanium Software's secret splinter group blog, I decided that today shall be the day that I make my first contribution to the Titanium Software secret blog of mystery and wonder.

Raymond Ely and I spoke recently and I was amazed at how fast memories of life at Titanium Software came back, a world of anticipation, concealed groups, secret email chains and lunches, social embarrassment, extended bouts of influenza, unrequited tea rounds, darts, pool and of course cookies.

Anticipation rears its ugly head in many ways at Titanium Towers but none more so than that of collisions between one Julian Sadman and various inanimate objects around the office. It appears that Mr. Sadman - along with no immune system (widely thought to be due to the lack of animal in his diet) - has no muscle memory. In my time at Titanium, Raymond and I would sit and wait in joyful hope for Sadman to bump into plants, desks, chairs and the array of boxes that surrounded Stephan's desk, often while sipping water and walking slowly back to his desk not realising that he had spawned a flurry of netsends between various Titanium employees.

It appears that Englebert is in the habit of employing uncoordinated employees, who are unable to control their feet and have low levels of spacial-awareness. Employees like Choyklet Dejestiw (from the former eastern block country of Polarmania) and Adolf (rumoured to have purchased his wife for 4 carrots, an old Atari computer and a deep welled vial of unknown compound/substance/matter) spring to mind. Adolf also has trouble with the word yes - it appears that it comes out as an extended "NO" usually preceeded by an extended "errrr" - causing ears within a 10-metre radius to weep.

I often wonder, have there been any more ill-coordinated additions to Titanium Software?

Stay tuned for more "Memoirs of a former Titaniumite" which are really just digitally regurgitated random thoughts from a previous life!

Titanium Awards

The first award, "Most costume changes in a single performance" goes to.....

[drumroll]

Dwayne Dung

[applause]

for his Lycra, turnups then jeans routine

Recently in the Office

It's 9:30 on a warm, sunny day

[Enter stage right Marcus Finland]

Marcus wanders over to desk

[Enter stage right Stephan Bernard Yotis]

Marcus: (To Stephan) Blimey, have the clocks gone back? You're in early aren't you?

A hush decends on Titanium Towers. Shocked developers sit in stunned silence fearing a reprisal. Stephan makes no audible response, but you can tell the evil mastermind has already started to craft a cunning plan.

To be continued...

Green Tea

I've just made a cup of Dwayne's Japanese green tea. About to have my first taste now. I'm a bit nervous, but here goes...

Bleuch! It's bad! Well, actually it's ok. The second sip is better. It's drinkable. I could get to like it I suppose. Mmmmm. The third sip is even better. I like it. Oh my god, I love it. This is the best drink I've ever tasted! I must have more!

I feel....different. More powerful, somehow. I feel strong. Strong enough to climb and run and jump. Ha ha! I am strong!

And my senses are heightened. I see and feel everything. Time seems to run more slowly. I can anticipate things before they happen. This is amazing! I can make things happen with just the power of my mind. I am becoming omniscient. Omnipotent.

Hmmmm. I also have a strange desire to wear lycra...

Cookie Situation Resolved

Employees at Titanium Software were relieved today after the long cookie drought ended. Despite there being no Friday meeting, employees were deluged with no less than 3 packets of cookies. Shortbread was an added (but ultimately unwanted) bonus.

Wary of recent calls for strike action Englebert provided not the standard Tesco cookies, but instead opted for the luxury M&S variety which had been made specially to order and which still contained slightly melted chocolate chips.

It is uncertain whether artificial flavourings in the cookies were to blame for an outbreak of strange cartoon drawing behaviour that occurred towards the end of the day.

New products

This is a new design for the Flick Spin Ranger. Sales have been falling recently and a redesign is what Canny has told me will revive them by 500%.










This is Ray. Ray wears a wig and a dress with "erg" written on it. He has 5 little wheels instead of feet.









This is Ray's signature. Canny has told me that kids will only buy a toy nowadays if the toy has a signature associated with it. I don't know why.







This is Frederick the small elephant with bad hair.












This is Alfred Noble. He tap dances.

Email Woes

Englebert: We are having trouble receiving emails from the guys at Banoffee-Adverts. Can you check why we are failing to receive them?

Stephan: Failing to receive them in what way?

Englbert: In that we are failing to receive them.

Stephan: Error at line 56. (A)bort (R)etry (F)ail?

Smallest satsuma segment... ever

Today I found the smallest satsuma segment that I have ever seen. It is possible that the satsuma contained a smaller segment but that it was so small my eye couldn't resolve it. Damn it, if it were that small, I doubt any sane person would call it a 'satsuma segment'. Maybe a tasty bit of satsuma dust or something.

Anyway, to give you an idea of scale, the photo shows the segment next to my left-hand small finger. Unlike Adolf Coredump, I don't have giant fingers the size of sausages so it genuinely is a very small satsuma segment.

I measured the segment and checked in the Guinness Book of World Records and it really is the smallest segment that any human has ever found (and reported). I can't be bothered registering my find with the Guinness World Records authority because they are always pestering me about something and I don't have the patience to deal with them at the moment.

Bone Density

I recently received a telegram from former employee Ciaran Morningtown via the social networking site forceBlock. Exiled in Australia after leaving his job in a cloud of controversy he reliably informs me he is now working for a company that makes websites for small vibrating devices.

"You would love it out here, they give you beer at work on fridays at your desk. I am designing a new 'Boys Gone Wild' site."

A refugee from Ireland, Ciaran started work at Titanium Towers two years ago.

When asked about his former workmates, he had the following to say about Julian Sadman:

"His bone density is similar to that of hydrogen. Christ man, eat a steak!""

If you would like to know more about Ciaran then stay tuned for further updates.

Overheard on the Email... Vine

From: Dwayne [mailto:dwayne@titanium.co.uk]
Sent: 25 April 2008 11:55
To: 'Neville McClocktower'
Subject: I fear Morganon is going barmy...

The other day he pinned Clementine peel to his monitor stand to make a mini windmill. Today he has created a figurine out of a coke can, Clementine peel and the mesh bag it came in.

Morganon just might be barmier than Androyd. Possibly. Actually not at all.

Dwayne

Venture Capitalists

I need to book one of the meeting rooms ASAP to discuss prices for the toy I invented earlier this week with a guy that's just turned up.

He's called Canny and he's hinted that we're talking about a six-figure deal. Man, I'm going to be so rich.

Flick Spin Ranger

We'll see who’s laughing when I make millions on my recently patented invention. The photo shows it in action; move your finger like that and it rotates. Flick it down with your finger and it will spin on its own for a few seconds. It's called "Flick Spin Ranger".


It's great fun and I've already got a buyer set up.
If you want, I can let you have a pre-release version of it for £10. I can set it up at your desk if you need me to. Installation isn't that hard but as I haven't written a user manual yet you might mash it up and jam it into your face or something and I wouldn't want that on my conscience.

Watch this space, guys, because you're looking at the future. Right here on your monitors is the great new toy that even the queen will be playing with this summer. Even the queen.

Example Test Spec Results Matrix

I found those Action-ExpectedResult combos to be quite poetic. And how can that 3rd step have possibly passed.

Cat

This morning I was walking to the station along a footpath/cycle lane as I do every day (except weekends and bank holidays). I got to a corner where the path turns 90° and it’s impossible to see what is around the corner until you get there.

Meanwhile, a cat was approaching the corner but coming from the other direction. Cats, as I’m sure you know, pad silently so there was no way I could have known it was there. But I’m sure I was making some noise as I strolled along so I’m sure the cat could have heard me if it had been paying attention, but perhaps it was preoccupied with thoughts of mice, laser pointers and the political situation in Zimbabwe.

We both turned the corner at the same moment. A black shape leaped up in front of me. I jumped. The cat jumped away on to a nearby wall and glared at me, as if to say “Watch where you’re going mate.” I glared back as if to reply “I’m dreadfully sorry, I didn’t know you were there.” The cat continued to glare as if to say “That’s quite alright. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I apologise. Good day to you, sir.”

We exchanged glaring pleasantries for a few moments before I continued on my way to the station.

Printer Jappery

In order to brighten up long days of boring coding, I sometimes flick the switch on the front of the printer so that paper comes out of the front instead of the top. This results in people rushing over to the printer as their work pleasingly cascades down the side of the cupboard and onto the floor. Even better is the slightly confused look on people's faces as they try to determine if it's worth asking who modified the printer settings.

Annoyances (part 2)

Emails are also given the moniker 'Mail messages'

Annoyances (part 1)

Chap in the office, Harlem Trotterglobe, pronounces queries "curies" and volume "wolume". Confuses the hell out of me.

Sars and Milk

Following on from Friday's Cookie Incident, it seems further trouble has befallen the employees at Titanium Towers with a suspected outbreak of the deadly Sars virus. Eye witnesses tell of continuous and loud coughing which prompted one un-named source to claim, "It's like a plague hospital in here." It is not known where the virus came from, but experts suspect that it was brought over from Thailand with goods purchased by one of the employees. Reports that by Tuesday afternoon the virus had mutated and started to attack PCs (with Matthew Englberry's equipment the main target) proved unfounded and officals are urging the public not to panic.

In a seperate incident, problems with food continued as milk stocks were almost exhausted. It was thought that milk shortages were a thing of the past after Ruby Postelwaith's apointment as milk monitor, but in her absence it seems the old problems have returned.

Shares in Titanium Software were down 5% on the news.

Go-Live in Berlin

Titanium Software took one more step towards world domination when their flagship product "Montage" went live in Berlin! By the end of week one the reports were excellent - some users are even saying this could be the final solution.

The Cookie Situation

Concerns are growing this morning over the escalating cookie situation at Titanium Software. Reports coming out of the software company indicate that no cookies have been sighted so far this morning, and panic is beginning to set in.

Software Engineer Morganon Reichberg is quoted as saying "I was about to ask what the cookie situation was. This is a disaster!" while his colleague, Neville McClocktower, currently on tour in Germany, added "It is also a disaster here - I asked where the Friday Cookies were but they just gave me some boiled sausage..."

Cookies are a regular feature of Friday mornings at Titanium Towers, often accompanying the regular Friday meeting. The situation has been exacerbated by the recent disappearance of Englebert, who usually purchases the cookies.

Raymond Ely, the one of the world's foremost authorities on cookie mathematics, eloquently summed up the situation this morning with his equation "Work - Englebert - Friday meeting = no cookies"

Popcorn

When Dwayne's out to lunch we should all get some popcorn, large drinks and those bags of Minstrels you get at the cinema that are so big they come with a closing mechanism. Then we should take our chairs round to his desk and wait for the film to begin.

Dump

Dwayne will dump Mika....

Dwayne will dump Mika into an ocean of love.

In the Office Today

<Dwayne goes off to toilet>
<Dwayne's phone starts ringing. Sounds a bit like the beginning of Star Wars - trumpets and stuff, then some slightly nazi sounding chanting>


Everyone looks towards the corner.


Stephan: What's that, is that Dwayne?

Morganon: It's Dwayne's phone

Stephan: Well it could have been Dwayne.

Englebert: But you'll have noticed Dwayne doesn't have a trumpet.

Stephan: Well you don't know what he is up to; he could be in the corner browsing Trumpet websites.

PC Augmentation

Whenever I'm the only person in the office, I take the opportunity to
augment my PC.

At lunchtime today I levered open Stephan Bernard Yotis's PC and took out his power supply. To date, I have 16 processors, 50.5Gb of RAM, 8 hard-drives, 7 network cards and 3 power supplies and my computer is super-fast!

Stephan's PSU wouldn't fit into my case but that's OK because I glued it to the side and it doesn't overheat or anything.

This afternoon, Stephan has been complaining that his PC isn't working, but I've explained that he hasn't got the right stuff in COM+ and so it's really his mistake, the idiot.

Flaky Operating Systems

I had a strange dream last night...

...in which all breakfast cereals were also operating systems. In my dream I was wondering why more people didn't install Weetabix on their computers.

Testing one two

Is this thing one?


<TAP TAP TAP>

Zero Day

Ahoy there. We are here to bring you tales of jollity and frivolity from the depths of Titanium Software Ltd. I am Adam Ferret, at your service, and this is the beginning of it all.